If I Could Go Back: 3 Lessons I Wish I Knew as a First-Time Mum

Welcome to another entry of Thriving Parenting, where we explore the various aspects of parenthood and the growth that comes with it. In this two-part series, I want to share the heartfelt journey of my early years as a first-time mum—what I wish I had known and felt during those transformative moments.

Reflecting on the Past

Over the past 12 years, my experience as a parent has been a profound journey of learning, growth, and reflection. I've realised the importance of sharing these insights with other first-time mums who may be feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders. Here are three crucial lessons I learned along the way.

1. The Fear of My Baby Exploding

   As a new mum, anxiety loomed over me like a dark cloud. I used to worry excessively about getting everything right to the point where I feared my baby would metaphorically "explode" if I made a mistake. I meticulously planned every aspect of his routine, fearing the consequences of deviating from it. But looking back, I realise that flexibility is key. Babies are resilient, and it's okay to stray from the schedule. Embracing imperfections and trusting myself as a parent was a significant step forward.

2. Embracing Mistakes as Opportunities

   Perfectionism was a constant companion in my early years as a mother. I feared that making mistakes meant I was failing. However, I learned that mistakes are natural and essential for growth. As parents, our goal is not to be flawless but to teach our children resilience. Meeting every need perfectly is not necessary to raise a healthy, securely attached child. Research suggests we only need to get it right about 30% of the time. The rest is about learning, adapting, and repairing when needed.

3. Happiness Does Not Define Capability

   For a long time, I believed that my baby’s happiness directly correlated with my capability as a mother. If my baby cried in public, I felt judged and inadequate. But I came to understand that crying is simply a form of communication, and a baby’s varying emotions are a natural part of life. Happiness is not the sole indicator of good parenting. It took having three children under five to recognize that I can't always control their emotions and that’s perfectly fine.

Anxiety can be a common companion for first-time mums, especially those who tend to lean towards anxious tendencies. Add to that the challenge of having a high-needs child, and it can feel overwhelming. However, with the right support and tools, you can learn how to co-regulate and manage your own emotions while understanding and supporting your child’s needs.

To any new mum reading this, know that you are doing an amazing job. The fact that you care and strive to improve is a testament to your dedication. Sometimes, the best course of action is to surrender and stop trying so hard because you're already doing enough. You don’t have to have all the answers when you start out; parenting is about learning on the go, and growing alongside your child.

Remember, the point of parenting is not to have all the answers before we start but to figure it out as we grow with our children. Until next time, keep thriving, and remember, you're not alone on this journey.